** "In My Body" is a new personal series that I’m experimenting with - documenting my real, honest, and in the moment thoughts about body image and practicing unconditional self-love.
Growing up, I have always struggled with body image and accepting + loving my own body.
It’s something I don’t really talk about for more reasons than one. However, I also know I’m not the only one going through this - and the more we share and the more honest we are, the more we take the shame away and the more space we create for others to share their stories.
A few weeks ago, I took the scale out and weighed myself out of curiosity.
(Not sure why I did that, because the whole “out of curiosity” and stepping on a scale is never a good mix.)
The scale read 182.5.
Even at my highest weight in my late teens, I was 176.
But... something interested happened.
I felt horrible for maybe 10 minutes… and then it was gone. The horrible feeling. The feeling of shame.
Five years ago, it would have hit me like a ton of bricks. Plus a few more bricks.
But now? Today? In 2017?
I’m okay. In fact, I’m so okay I’m willing to put that number out on this blog where everyone can clearly see and read.
your worth / value / identity is not a number.
It is not the number on your scale.
Or the number on your clothing.
Or the number in your savings account.
Because we cannot and should not define our whole existence to a single number, or allow anyone else to.
There are days I can’t fathom how I’m actually 24 years old, just like I can’t fathom how I’m 180+ pounds. And yet, here we are, with both of those things being true.
It’s almost 2018, which means setting New Year Resolution’s and goals.
I would be lying if I said I didn’t think about how I could lose x amount of weight in x amount of time by my 25th birthday, but when it came to actually setting New Year Resolution’s and goals, I didn’t set unrealistic expectations for myself this year.
I didn’t commit to more than I could handle, and I didn’t make myself feel bad about it either - which is a HUGE win.
Because when you make yourself feel bad, it only leads to you feeling worse about yourself.
So in the beginning of 2018, I’m planning to: 1. workout 5 times a week and 2. drink a green smoothie every morning.
Surprisingly, working out isn’t something I dread, but I do struggle with consistency, which is why I’ve set a goal of working out 5 times a week (because if I “skip” more than 2-3 days in a row, it’s way easier for me to fall off). …which also means I have to buy a few workout pants before then so I have at least a week’s worth of workout clothes.
To be completely honest with you, it feels a bit weird to feel so comfortable with my body and in my own skin.
Although… that’s not to say there aren’t days when I wave my arm up and down and grab my “bat wing” fat (I think that’s what they call it?) or the fat on my thighs.
But it doesn’t lead to me fat shaming myself anymore.
Or me saying mean things to myself, which doesn’t make the situation better. Ever.
This is my body. And fat is just that … fat.
It doesn’t have any control over you.
It doesn’t have any power over you.
It doesn’t have anything over you.
You’re allowed to have your own thoughts, opinions, and beliefs about you and your body. You’re allowed to be, do, and feel however you want without justifying yourself.
You don’t have to spend the rest of your life trying to chase someone else’s validation, approval, and love. You don’t need it.
You just need your own. Your own love and acceptance.
Choose yourself and give yourself permission to let go of what society and others have told you about their requirements to love yourself.
Because it’s not up to them to love you.
It’s up to you.
It’s always been up to you and only you.